Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
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Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
no!! no!!!!!!
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.