Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
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i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”