Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
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“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.