“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
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Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
We like the way Dwight thinks