“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
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If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
fourth time’s the charm
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Okay me first
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
December birthdays be like…
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night