You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
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Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
☠️☠️☠️
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing