“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
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Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.