How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
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BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Succinctly put.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas