Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
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The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?