and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
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I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”