Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
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Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
I occasionally drink every single night.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
*mops up wine with cat*
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted