Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
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Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him