Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
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Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
My dog ate my work from home.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter