I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
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if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.