Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
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That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors