Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
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From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.