Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
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“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?