What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
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I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Bed should get ready for ME
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
he chose this
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.