“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
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Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.