I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
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Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary