Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
You Might Also Like
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?