PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
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If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
This could’ve been an email.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.