”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
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Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Ovenable?
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*