Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
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God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.