How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
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Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
How to woo a woman
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree