Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
You Might Also Like
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Namaste
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
beware of dog
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.