When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
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Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.