Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
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banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Breaking news:
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
A great tip. #CakeRex
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff