*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
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I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am