If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
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I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
mood
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
that lip filler tho
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.