Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
You Might Also Like
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)