my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
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I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?