‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
You Might Also Like
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Hot Hot Hot
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!