The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
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Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.