Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
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Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No