KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
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I can also cook 😂
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
My Guy
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
subtitles are so good nowadays
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
me and who
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding