HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
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“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.