me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
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Love thy neighbor’s dog
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
rich people when they have to pay taxes
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.