Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
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*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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WHO DID THIS?