Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
You Might Also Like
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.