I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
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I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
j o i m p
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.