19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
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Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee