Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
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Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
We decided to have money instead of children.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.