i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
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I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
fourth time’s the charm
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice