She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
You Might Also Like
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
when dads have a rap battle
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
This checks out
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit