Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
You Might Also Like
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
January is lasting longer than my marriage
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
…żyje?
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
is this store having a stroke wtf
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Important
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.