A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
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I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
“You’d better run, egg!”
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”