Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
You Might Also Like
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name