Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
You Might Also Like
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Bootstraps
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.