I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
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People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
are they though??
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Education is vital
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”